i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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