I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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