"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Randomize
