i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
