There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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