do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
