Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
