My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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