i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
