I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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