Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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