went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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