I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
