Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
