my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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