No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
