We're like a lot better than the average bears
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
