this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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