Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize