Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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