Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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