Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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