I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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