They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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