i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
