she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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