my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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