broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
