Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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