im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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