according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
