The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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