The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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