I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
