I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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