is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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