Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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