how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
