you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
