Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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