Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize