he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
