I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
