i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
