apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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