Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
