We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
