When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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