apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
