R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
