Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize