I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
