It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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