Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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