shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he quoted the bible to break up with me
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize