this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
