now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
