Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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