there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
